So I want to talk about something that is almost taboo to talk about, especially if you already have a physical illness, mental illness. It’s hard to admit that it might not just be a bad day; especially when you have a bad week and you can’t get out of bed. It’s hard to accept that maybe it’s not your physical ailment that is keeping you down, maybe it’s not that medicine you’re on, maybe it’s more. Most times it is; and yes a lot of times physical illness does lead to some type of mental illness. The biggest problem I’ve come to realize in my own journey that it’s hard to accept it youself and it’s even harder to ask for help from a professional; because you don’t want to admit that there is something else wrong with you.
I’m here to tell you though, you’re not broken. Everyone has their own demons and sometimes one person’s demons are a little too big for them to fight on their own. I realized something was wrong when making a simple decision felt like a life or death situation; and I knew exactly what those decisions felt like; but figuring out where I wanted to go for News Years should not have been one of those. I ended up pulling over off the interstate and having a panic attack, for a stupid reason. Having anxiety is knowing that the problem isn’t that bad, but no matter what I do or how much I breath and calm myself down, I can’t let go, I can’t get ahold of situation, and I can’t deal with it.
When I first went to the doctor, I went to my primary care physician and told him what I was feeling and he put me on a simple anxiety medicine…which worked for a while; until it didn’t. If everyday task were breaking me down because every decision I made felt like there was a tremendous consequence that I couldn’t avoid, now let’s add having medical issues that force you to make decisions, and most times you can’t take them back. The feeling of knowing that every decision you make can change the course of your life, and the well being you hold onto with all your might breaks you, and it makes you not want to get out of bed, it tells you that if just stay where you are you don’t have to make any decisions; the world will go on and you can just stay comfy in your bed. This however is known as depression, well at least that’s my version of it.
For the past few months I have been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist just to sort my head out, and honestly to get some help that I didn’t think I needed. I’m so glad I took the initiative myself to call and go in, it’s like wanting to quit something; you won’t until you are too ill to help yourself or you want to get better. With all my heart problems going on I figured it was a now or never thing to figure out how to be the best me I can be while dealing with what the world is throwing at me.
I’m still working on being the best me I can be in any situation that is thrown my way, and I know that there is no “cure” but I won’t stop trying to find happiness in everything I do and to be able to chase my dreams.
This post was about letting others know that even though it hurts, and you think you’re the only one going through this you’re not. We might all have our own demons and our own way of dealing with stress due to the outcomes of our lives; but you are not alone and there isn’t something “wrong” with you. It’s hard to burden others who work so diligently on getting my physical health in order that I’m breaking down on the inside, but it’s so important that they know. You might think you’re the only, and that your medical problems outweigh the thoughts that live inside your head; but they don’t. I’ve learned that my mental health plays a big role in the way my body feels, acts, and reacts to the medicine I take for my heart and my head.
If you feel that your problems aren’t that bad, and that you don’t want to be labelled “weird”, “needy”, or you feel like you are a burden please call your local mental health facility and find out what they can do for you. Also while sitting in a Panera with my friend who also has heart disease we met a wonderful person who helped start an organization called Stronger Than Stigma (http://www.strongerthanstigma.org/); the organization is “giving a voice to those who struggle in silence.” Please check them out, they are based in Jacksonville but have great resources and support for people on a national relm.
“Keep your head up, keep your heart strong” -Unknown
Live, Laugh, Love….Always,