Damned if you do

I’ve always believed that you receive what you put into the world, but how far does that really get you? I mean I’ve paid for the person’s food in front of me many times, but I have NEVER had my food paid for by someone else’s kindness.  Does that mean I should just stop paying for others? Should I start being selfish? I doubt that I would be able to just stop giving to others, I mean the point isn’t supposed to be that you receive something in return.  I’m a selfless person by nature and I always think that it’s always better to give than receive; my kindness sometimes becomes my weakness.

Being “good” has been rooted in me partly because of my upbringing but also because of my health conditions.  I’ve always been to scared to step outside of the “good” box and break rules.  When I was younger there was kindness all around me; during every doctor’s appointment, every hospitalization; and every time someone else was inconvenienced because of me I went out of my way to apologize and make up for it in any way I could.  I find it harder and harder as I grow up to keep the same mentality though. It might be because I no longer stand in the “good” box anymore, but I don’t stand in the “bad” box either. A lot of times I feel like I’m in limbo figuring out what I want to do, who I want to be, and how much risk am I willing to take to answer those questions. 

After everything is said and done I don’t think I’ve changed fundamentally as a person. I think with everything that has happened in my life I still believe that people will pay it forward and saying please and thank you can go a long ways. 

“The point is not to pay back kindness but to pass it on”.             -Julia Alvarez 

Live, laugh, love….Always, 

Nicole 

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