I’ve had A LOT of turbulence the past month, my seat belt wasn’t fastened for most of those moments, and the plane never stayed the expected course. Enough with the metaphors…a lot the past six weeks have just not been good. The biggest thing in this journey I’m on is to find happiness, even when the day, week or even month goes to hell.
Do you ever feel like you problems aren’t that big? “There are people with way worse problems than I have, I don’t really need help compared to them” < something along those lines? Well I’m here to tell you; you do.
There was a particular incident that shook me to my core and made me realize that I needed to find this happiness, this relaxation, the act of being present…right now or I might not find it at all. For the next couple of weeks thing snowballed so much that it really just made me feel like I couldn’t get back up because I was just going to be knocked down again.
There was a saving grace in all of this, I had a trip to Oregon that I planned months prior to the shit storm that took over my life. I took the smallest suitcase I had, my chromebook, DSLR, phone and “How to Be a Badass” and flew across the country. It took me 4 cities, 3 planes, and 9 hours to get to somewhere no one knew what was going on…and that’s all I truly wanted at that moment.
Once I got there I realized that I didn’t just change by getting off the plane, and that was half the battle. There were two big demons in my mind at the time and on the way to Oregon one ravished itself inside my mind for the long haul flight from Chicago to San Francisco. The next day I had to do some damage control and my easy week didn’t start off so great. We went to the Oregon Coast and relaxed there for the day; what I didn’t notice about me is that I tend to just point out negative things and I give myself pity for something and blame it on something that’s wrong with me when that’s not necessarily the case. That was my first big lesson 1. think of the positives.
As that was my big lesson I started the week on I would try and journal at least 10 things I was thankful for that happened during the day; it made me realize that sometimes it’s hard to find just 10 things. When in reality I don’t think that’s the case, I’ve just been wired to see what could go wrong or what is wrong instead of thinking of what is going right and what is possible. Task 1. write 10 good things and/or 10 things that you are thankful for.
The biggest thing I did that week was let myself learn, let myself love, and let myself just be me. I wanted to learn how to love myself and how I could make that into an everyday thing, not just once in awhile thing. I wanted to learn how to accept what other’s opinions were and take them in and evaluate whether they should help or reform my opinion. I wanted to learn how to let the energy around me become energy within me and vice versa. I wanted to become someone who could actually accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I could, and have the ability to know the difference. What I learned was that I can only change myself, I only have control over the things I do, the behaviors I perform and the words I project. I cannot change how someone sees me, I cannot change how someone sees the world, and I cannot begin to change how someone else interacts with the world. I soon enough learned that I can change how I see me/others, I can change how I see the world and I can change how I interact with the world around me. Lesson 2. I am Mario (How to Be a Bawse)
With my new found knowledge I had learned I started to implement it as I was learning it. Old habits die hard. I found myself ignorant to others and their views on certain topics, I didn’t want to try so hard to change my way of thinking because there were things I had to get done away from home, and I didn’t even begin to know how to change the way I interact with others in an all positive demeanor. I just knew it had to be done, I knew that I was meant to go to Oregon, and somehow I knew it was going to change me. Task 2. Suck it up buttercup.
I’ve been home for a few weeks now and all the crap that seemed to incase my body is taken care of. I let it stop being who I was and let the words of others crash down before they could hit me. I was able to do this because I found the confidence in myself that I had lost, or maybe really never truly knew I had. I was able to remove myself from toxic situations where I realized I couldn’t change other’s opinion of me, nor changed how they treated others. I still don’t know if I’ve honestly honed my source energy; but at least now I know it’s there. Lesson 3. nothing worth doing right is easy.
It’s taken me awhile to write this blog because honestly I wasn’t sure how I wanted the tone to be set, or if I wanted to keep my one f#*ked up moment to myself and hope that running away from it would help, hoping that flying across the country would be the fix-all for every messed up thing that followed in those two weeks before. But I owed it to myself not to bury it, not to forget it (because God knows that wasn’t going to happen), not to pretend that it didn’t happen; instead I want to embrace it and beleive that it has changed me.
I live in the sunshine state
yet it rains consistently
I live in the moment
except I fear the future
I live with a smile on my face
and tears threatening to shine
I live with fire in my soul
but hesitation in my bones
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” – Theodore Roosevelt
Live, Laugh, Love…..Always,