Nothing about this is brave, it’s a matter of survival. Having people say “you’re so brave” has always made me feel uncomfortable…like what choice did I have? I was talking to one of my friends who has a different congenital disease and we don’t understand why people say it to us. Those who had a choice and choose freedom, the law, and country, those who were thrown into a situation at such a young age and those who are rising above the voices in their head; those humans are brave. I get backlash when I tell those who don’t understand; and I guess if you’ve never lived with it you would consider waking up and moving forward with everything on my plate brave. I’m sure most of them don’t know that most of the times those plates crash to the ground and I just walk away from it.
I work in retail and sometimes I have the customers that ask about my scar (I’m usually surprised and happy to answer their questions) and they almost always call me brave and I usually say thanks. One time I was pleasantly speechless when a customer said “well that sucks”…..YES!!! yes It does; he preceded to ask why I had a big grin on my face. If you want the down low here it is; it does suck. Having to make contingency plans, never running out of medicine, spending money on medical needs instead of adventures, having a hospital bag pack always, and continuously thinking “what’s next?”.
If I had to call myself anything I would say I’m resilient. I say this because as many times as I get knocked down I get back up; not because I think I’m going to win, not because I have this love of getting beat down, but I want to keep moving forward. The only way to keep moving forward is to make any and all efforts to continue your life even after the final blow and you can’t get back up. Guess what? You can get back up, you can throw that punch, wipe those tears, gather your thoughts and move onward. I’ve lost many battles with my health physically and emotionally but I can’t give up until there is nothing worth fighting for; and right now, I have plenty to fight for.
As I’m preparing for a major battle next week I’ve been hitting the gym hard; and no metaphors this time. I told myself the best way I could prepare for anything is to be as physically strong as I could be and by doing this I have more confidence that I can win the battle this time. I’m in the final stages of this battle, if this doesn’t work I’m honestly not sure what’s going to happen next. I mentioned in my last blog that this isn’t a life or death situation, but I would like to have a better quality of life going into 2017.
Keep the fight inside your heart and let the fire burn bright.
“I don’t want to be perfect. I only aim to be fearless and resilient and myself.”
Live, Laugh, Love…..Always,
Nicole
paperplanewarrior 