Mind over Matter…right?

So I want to talk about something that is almost taboo to talk about, especially if you already have a physical illness, mental illness.  It’s hard to admit that it might not just be a bad day; especially when you have a bad week and you can’t get out of bed. It’s hard to accept that maybe it’s not your physical ailment that is keeping you down, maybe it’s not that medicine you’re on, maybe it’s more.  Most times it is; and yes a lot of times physical illness does lead to some type of mental illness.  The biggest problem I’ve come to realize in my own journey that it’s hard to accept it youself and it’s even harder to ask for help from a professional; because you don’t want to admit that there is something else wrong with you.

I’m here to tell you though, you’re not broken. Everyone has their own demons and sometimes one person’s demons are a little too big for them to fight on their own.  I realized something was wrong when making a simple decision felt like a life or death situation; and I knew exactly what those decisions felt like; but figuring out where I wanted to go for News Years should not have been one of those.  I ended up pulling over off the interstate and having a panic attack, for a stupid reason.  Having anxiety is knowing that the problem isn’t that bad, but no matter what I do or how much I breath and calm myself down, I can’t let go, I can’t get ahold of situation, and I can’t deal with it.

When I first went to the doctor, I went to my primary care physician and told him what I was feeling and he put me on a simple anxiety medicine…which worked for a while; until it didn’t.  If everyday task were breaking me down because every decision I made felt like there was a tremendous consequence that I couldn’t avoid, now let’s add having medical issues that force you to make decisions, and most times you can’t take them back.  The feeling of knowing that every decision you make can change the course of your life, and the well being you hold onto with all your might breaks you, and it makes you not want to get out of bed, it tells you that if just stay where you are you don’t have to make any decisions; the world will go on and you can just stay comfy in your bed.  This however is known as depression, well at least that’s my version of it.

For the past few months I have been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist just to sort my head out, and honestly to get some help that I didn’t think I needed.  I’m so glad I took the initiative myself to call and go in, it’s like wanting to quit something; you won’t until you are too ill to help yourself or you want to get better.  With all my heart problems going on I figured it was a now or never thing to figure out how to be the best me I can be while dealing with what the world is throwing at me.

I’m still working on being the best me I can be in any situation that is thrown my way, and I know that there is no “cure” but I won’t stop trying to find happiness in everything I do and to be able to chase my dreams.

This post was about letting others know that even though it hurts, and you think you’re the only one going through this you’re not.  We might all have our own demons and our own way of dealing with stress due to the outcomes of our lives; but you are not alone and there isn’t something “wrong” with you.  It’s hard to burden others who work so diligently on getting my physical health in order that I’m breaking down on the inside, but it’s so important that they know.  You might think you’re the only, and that your medical problems outweigh the thoughts that live inside your head; but they don’t.  I’ve learned that my mental health plays a big role in the way my body feels, acts, and reacts to the medicine I take for my heart and my head.

If you feel that your problems aren’t that bad, and that you don’t want to be labelled “weird”, “needy”, or you feel like you are a burden please call your local mental health facility and find out what they can do for you.  Also while sitting in a Panera with my friend who also has heart disease we met a wonderful person who helped start an organization called Stronger Than Stigma (http://www.strongerthanstigma.org/); the organization is “giving a voice to those who struggle in silence.” Please check them out, they are based in Jacksonville but have great resources and support for people on a national relm.

“Keep your head up, keep your heart strong” -Unknown

Live, Laugh, Love….Always,

Nicole

So it begins….again

Hi!

So today I’m finally getting out of the hospital after a much longer stay than anticipated. A few good things have come out of this stay; we know what DOESN’T work, I met some adorable kids and great staff. and it looks like I’m taking another trip to Minnesota in the very near future.

I went into the hospital initially to switch from Flecainide which was starting to cause more atrial abnormalities than before to a new medicine Sotalol which was suppose to control the amount of flutter I was getting from my heart.  In order to do this though I had to get admitted so they could keep track of how my heart was handling the switching of one drug to another. It didn’t go so hot, the Sotalol worked in not showing any flutter, but instead getting 5-10 Premature ventricular contractions (PVCs) every minute.  They tried a new beta blocker to help with this but it did not work as efficiently as they wanted it to, so I was put back on the Flecainide after 7 doses of the new medicine.

I was finally able to leave but I’m not out of the woods yet, tomorrow I go in to get a halter monitor to make sure the PVCs have calmed down to the doctor’s liking.  Since the new medicine did not work I’m pretty much left with one option to help me feel better, less tired, and overall healthier; a cardiac ablation. The ablation itself is not that “big” of a procedure, except for patients who have mechanical valves near the site…..like your’s truly. This leads into the part where I have to go to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN in the near future, they say I’m a good candidate and they are willing to give it a go.

The next week will involve getting the holter monitor, blood work, rest and relaxation, cuddling my best friend’s newborn, and trying to figure out when the next step of this crazy adventure begins!

I’ll just leave this right here:

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style”       -Maya Angelou

Live, Laugh, Love…..Always,

Nicole

too old for this

This post was a little difficult to write, mainly because it’s hard to explain exactly what it’s like to be “too old” in regards to medical treatment. I’m twenty-seven years old and I still go to the same children’s hospital to receive care for my congenital heart disease.  There have been some great memories growing up with people who cared about me, and wanted to make the life I was living at that time as “normal/fun;” even in the hospital.

On Thursday I went back to the pediatric cardiologist to hear the complete findings of the heart cath I had the during Halloween.  Well it’s not as good as I would’ve liked, but we have a plan.  I have diastolic dysfunction; in layman’s terms the heart wall muscle is stiffening.  There are many reasons for this, including my scar tissue, valve replacement, and the atrial flutter I’ve been experiencing throughout my life.  I am changing medicines the week after Thanksgiving in order to help my heart out in the long run.

I always feel like I’m too old to be in the doctor’s office, I mean when they call they are usually asking what my child’s birthday is.  One time I had an argument with the lady on the phone when I told her my birthday and she said “I need your child’s birthday, not yours.” It was fun explaining to her that I am the “child” and that I needed to talk to the nurse, she didn’t even seem that apologetic at the end.

The privilege of being older in a children’s hospital/environment is that I am here, and alive; which some kids never got the chance to experience.  It’s also rewarding to talk to parents in the waiting room and at events about my time and experiences at the hospital and with the same doctors they are trusting their child’s life with.  The feeling of knowing that I’m helping parents and some of the teens that the heart condition they are born with doesn’t define who they are.  I feel what defines a person is how they react, of course my heart disease has been a part of shaping me into the person I am today.

I think it’s an amazing thing to be able to influence others just by sharing your story and how you as a person experience life.

Today I’ll leave you with this:
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is.”                        -Albert Einstein

Live, Laugh, Love……Always,

Nicole

Why paperplanewarrior?

Hi, I’m Nicole and you may be wondering how I got my name….well here it is:

I have a paper airplane on my left arm to signify my love for traveling, I’ve been on over 15 cruises and all over the country and some of the world.  I don’t even want to stop traveling..I love learning about culture and I am a complete museum geek.  I didn’t want to get a tattoo that signified just my love for cruising or just my love for flying. I thought of a paper airplane, you throw it and just watch it go…I like to just go where the flow takes me.
My warrior tattoo signifies a little more, it reminds me everyday to not take a single day for granted.  My warrior tattoo has four arrows next to it, to signify the four open surgeries I’ve had in my life; all of them before my 14th birthday.  Obviously I am reminded everyday that I will never be cured of heart disease, that my scars will never go away, and that I will never live a “normal” life.  It took me a lot of soul searching,  a lot of asking God why, a lot of days hating myself for the body I was born into, and a lot of resentment towards those who didn’t see the internal struggle I face(d) everyday.  I got this tattoo to remind myself that everyday is a blessing, I am blessed to wake up everyday, I am blessed to have a roof over my head, food on the table, people to talk to, and most importantly I am blessed to feel my heartbeat (as erratic as it is).

Both of these tattoos are conversation starters, and I get to tell people what they mean; the life I’ve lived and the legacy I want to leave behind someday.

Let me leave you with something:
““She was always fighting a battle but her smile would never tell you so.”
― Nikki Rowe

Live, Love, Laugh…..Always,

Nicole